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| i have a tendency to get in these moods, where i feel incredibly negative and down and lonely. i guess we all get into those moods though, huh? but the good thing is, the next day or even within a few hours (with the right distraction...) i'm just fine. but lately, i dont know what it is, but i haven't been quite so happy.
My way of getting through the "tough" parts of life, is to just look forward to the future. "wow this 10 page paper blows, but as soon as i finish it i can go out with people..." or "i've already studied for 4 hours for this stupid final...but hey i go back to bridgewater in a few days so i need to just keep going". Of course those are just minor, less significant examples, but maybe you get the gist?
This "look forward to the future" type of thinking usually works for me, i can usually fool myself into getting into a better mood. But lately, it's been hard to think this way.
I'm a firm believer in believing in the advice you give to other people. "Practice what you preach" right? So if i'm always telling my friends to be positive and happy, then i should believe in this myself. Lately, i've been hoping that i'll find that something that seems to be missing from my life. Because it really does feel like something has been missing. I feel like I'm lacking the experiences that everyone else has gone through...or that i only gain maturity/wisdom through other people's experiences, not my own.
It's frustrating...to trust someone blindly and give them your all (something you might not even realize you're doing at the time...) and then to suddenly lose it all. It's frustrating to pour your heart out to someone...and to have them barely respond. Are they scared? Or do they just not care? Who knows. After all this time, after all the stupid messages and talks... I don't understand you. Hopefully soon i won't care. Cuz i'm sooo good at not caring...ha.
I've also lately been thinking about life after college. Will I not see some of my international friends ever again? That seems so bizarre to me. People you live with...talk to...get drunk with...
I guess these are the types of things I worried about in high school, and that worked out okay.
i leave for madrid in fifteen days. It's kinda weird how i'm not as psyched as i should be. I guess it's because it hasn't really hit me yet. I've heard it doesn't really hit you until you're on that plane taking off... but still. I'm going to a country where they speak a different language, where i don't really think seven years of Spanish will help all that much. I'm not sure how difficult my "three semesters of Spanish in one" will be...but i have a tendency to screw myself over, so i have a feeling that with my luck "Fast-Track Spanish" might screw me over. But i'll try not to worry about that yet. Apparently I'm living in a very fast-paced area with a lot of night-life. Everyone tells me that I will have some "amazing experiences". I mean that is why i'm going after all. I have to be positive...like I used to be.
I will not pine.
i don't care if i'm almost 20...xanga still sometimes helps the same way it did back in 8th grade...
merry belated christmas?
<3 deb
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| if a so-called "good" person hurts you and you decide that you don't want them in your life anymore...but then they try to come back...do you let them back in?
what for...? so they can hurt you again?
why are you thinking about it anyways if they've already hurt you?
why do they even deserve you?
******
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
it's my favorite holiday even though after this year i gotta say...kids can be tiring. one four year old, two two year olds, and a 4month....crazy man.
this semester seriously FLEW.
madrid next semester.
wonder what it'll be like?
i'll try to go with out any expectations. i just hope i dont get mugged.
ha.
it's going to be weird leaving e v e r y o n e behind.
this mumbai stuff is super sad. =(
guns are stupid.
i like being home.
what to do what to do.
<3
deb
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| i'm trying to keep myself super busy because 1.) i feel like i was lazy last year after doing so much in high school 2.) i'm trying to distract myself from other things (people?) that keep pulling me down.
so... i'm...
*on palladium hall council,
*the applied psych underclassmen rep,
*taking hindi for fun (i LOVE the class it really makes me laugh.),
*trying out stepping (i'm not so sure how that's gonna go...i hate that practices are from 8:30-10:30 PM!),
*marketing chair for ICE, (indian community service... alas i miss CDC way too much and couldn't stay away from CULTURALNESS. or indianness? w/e)
*working 16 hours a week in the file room of this fancy ass doctors office. (but its quite a torturous job of never ending filing so i dont know how long i'm going to last)
+...classes of course. counseling class which i LOVE cuz it's teaching me exactly what i want to be doing eventually... a class where we watch messed up movies and analyze them (and we know how much i LOVE to analyze), intro to linguistics which is kinda a grammar class and i HATE (and suck) at grammar (but it's my minor so i have to do it haha) and developmental psych...my one hard class of the semester which is super interesting though. so classes are definitely not bad.
it sounds like a lot...but i love being busy. i've been going to lots of cool dance shows as well... martha graham (okay it was a lil weird...but w/e), an AMAZING indian classical dance show at carnegie hall (worth the $46!), and a hip hop thingy earlier tonight.
...but at the same time. no matter how busy i'm TRYING to be...i cant get my mind off of PEOPLE. and disappointment. and how i'm so sick of trusting people and being there for people who are SO NOT WORTH IT because they're so SELF ABSORBED. it's sad when you have to start being careful around EVEN the so-called "NICE" ones. i hate being so bipolar about the whole thing as well... to ignore everything or to try to fix things...? ugh. only time will tell.
i really need some CHANGE. come on bam-bam. ha...
yeah. i should probably go to sleep.
need to beast my midterm coming up.
i feel like i'm going to be like thirty and still using this thing.
::sigh::
<3 deb
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| i am a sophomore in freakin' college.
n y u 2011.
it's been a pretty good summer for the most part really.
california 2 weeks
canada 1 week
working june 23-august 18th
spending time with family and friends
moving in early was nice. welcome week was fun. freshmen are fun. good to be back. see everyone again.
i miss weinstein. i miss last year. i'm always missing something or someone. ::sigh::
i'm really motivated about school. hopefully that lasts. excited about the three psych classes i'm going to be taking. especially the counseling class!
most probably will study abroad next semester.
going towards madrid...but sooo many people i know are going to london. (that's not a good enough reason of course, but london issss amazing.)
i should write more.
if i could just get some questions answered, i'd be a lil happier. a lil more content.
wish me luck.
i bet a lotta people still read this. ha.
<3 deb | | |
| I just came back from a night of Karaoke in Ktown for my roommate's and my bdays, with some of my favorite people on my floor... a few people bailed last minute so it was kinda expensive but once we had our favorite music playing, it was so worth it. Leaving at 2 AM, to come back to Weinstein, it was snowing outside. We stopped to take crazy pictures where you could "really see the snow".
I can't believe i'm turning nineteen in a couple days. That actually sounds SO OLD. One thing i've realized...? I feel like i've lost a lot of my past friends...people ask me why i don't talk to them anymore. You want to know why...? Because you don't talk to me anymore. Now that may sound childish...but think about all the times i've called you or imed you or facebooked you...and how it's always been me who has to initiate it. I've realized that it sucks to always be the one to iniate and i realized a few months ago that i wasn't going to go around chasing people that didn't have the time for me. We might have been good friends once upon a time...but i'm so sick of always defending you to other people...
^that really wasn't meant to any one person in particular...its sad but it applies to a lot of people. i'm not going to keep up the fake friendships...fake convos..fake whatever anymore.
anywayssssss. bday weekend yayyy.
family and friends...
wish i could see some br kiddies this weekend too, but hey atleast there will be a few. =)
see you...when i see you!
<3
deb | | |
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